Heart and Soul
by Nike
Summary: Anakin muses while waiting to duel Obi-Wan. Dark Anakin. Plz R&R. Now includes Chapter 2!
1. Musings

Heart and Soul

Nike

cloverhoney@angelfire.com

Disclaimer:  I don't own Star Wars.  They belong to Mr. Lucas.  I'm just borrowing them without permission to play with them.  It's all in fun and I'm not making any money off of this.  Since I'm not making money off of this I don't have enough money to make suing me worthwhile, so there's no point in trying.

Rating:  PG for now.

Genre:  Speculative Ep. III and a tad AU simply because I can't read George's mind.

Summary:  Dark Anakin muses about his former mentor before their duel.

Archive:  You really want this?  Sure!  Just let me know where you put it if you borrow it.

Author's Note:  This is my first Star Wars fic.  I hope you like it, but if you don't, oh well.  It's not as it's going to stop me.  I'd appreciate reviews.  You can even flame me if you really think it's that bad, but be forewarned; if you flame I'll probably continue as I have just to prove you wrong.

And now the reason why you're reading this in the first place…

Heart and Soul: Musings

            Your ship must have landed by now.  I can feel you coming closer.  Deep down inside I know I will always feel your presence when you are near.

            Fear wells within me; fear and anger at what I must do.  If I fail to turn you, then I will have to kill you.  I don't want to kill you, Obi-Wan.  Oh, please don't force me to kill you!

            I have stood by your side for years, Obi-Wan, and have been happy to do so.  You have been my best friend, my father figure, the big brother I never had, and I love you as all three.  You are my soul, Obi-Wan, and I have no wish to destroy my soul.

            Oh, beautiful child of light, how can I resist you?  You're everything I want to be, everything I _should have been.  Don't blame yourself for my fall into darkness.  It is my fault for not listening to you like I should have, and not any failure in your teaching.  Still, I know you will blame yourself.  You feel guilty about your arrogance._

            Arrogance?!  The only thing you were ever arrogant about was about your teaching, and I helped that along when I admitted once to you that I learned more from our missions and our long talks than I did from any of the so-called Temple Instructors.  

            I hate those who blame you for my own failures.  I hate it when they call you arrogant, conniving, and flawed.  They see only the cold exterior that you let them see.  I know better; I have picked up the shattered pieces afterwards.  I know all your insecurities, know your dreams and nightmares, know what makes your heart break.  I know my turning broke your heart and I'm sorry I wasn't there to pick up the pieces this time.

            Not that you're weak.  You will never be that.  You've picked me up, dusted me off, and put me back together just as many times, if not more, as I've had to do it for you.  That, as well as your age, probably is why I tend to think of you more as a friend and a brother than as a master.

            You are within a mile now, almost at the tunnels leading to this hidden building.  No, never weak.  Yoda made sure of that; he made sure you would know everything you would ever need to know that could be taught to you.  You were to take his place on the Council when he died, you know.  

            Oh, Obi-Wan, surely your insecurities haven't blinded you to the fact that you are a child of light!  I know the prophecy; I found it along side the ones about the Chosen One.  A child of light is pure, powerful, and beautiful inside.  A child of light is strong in the Unifying Force, seeing things to come centuries before they would happen, yet knows and uses the Living Force to be constantly aware of their surroundings.  A child of light always leads the Jedi; he or she sit at the head the Council in times of peace and keep hope, and thus light, alive in times of darkness.

            A lamp in the darkness.  I part of me hopes your light will lead me out of my darkness.  It is a foolish hope, however.  A part of me still wishes for what could have been; is still capable of loving you and Padme, but I have long since passed the point of no return.  You don't believe it; you feel that as long as there is a struggle inside of me that I can be turned back.  Otherwise, you would never have come here, to this forsaken place buried into the side of a semi-dormant volcano.  You still hope for the best but, then, that is your nature.

            This whole elaborate set-up is a trap, you know.  This duel will end only if you turn or if you die.  Sidious is letting me face you in hopes of turning you.  He would take great pride in turning such a beautiful child of light to darkness.  He wants to mold you and your powers.  I simply want to stand by your side as I have for years.  I am frightened and alone.  You always picked me up when I felt like this.  You were always there.  You're not now and it is my fault.  

            Oh, Obi-Wan, I fear for you.  A part of me needs to know that you will never turn.  You are my soul and should always remain a part of the light but if you don't turn, you will be destroyed.  Even if I can't bring myself to destroy you, you will leave.  Either way, if you remain in the light I lose you; I lose my soul.

            Obi-Wan, my friend, my brother, my soul, to lose you would be unbearable.  Padme already has my heart and I have lost her; my heart is gone from me now.  I have lost my heart; I cannot bear to lose my soul as well.

            Padme.  You've hidden her well.  I've heard rumors, tabloid level stuff that claim she's living in Otah Gunga on Naboo, in the deepest levels of Coruscant, and even on Alderaan carrying Bail Organa's love child.  They aren't true; you taught me better than to put faith in rumors.  The last one is the most ridiculous.  Sure, she and Bail got along, but she can't be pregnant.  She and Bail don't feel that way about one another; I can feel it.  The only other way is if it is mine.  It isn't.  She isn't pregnant.  I remember the times I spent in bliss with her.  Our coupling was like heaven and she was an angel, but we only did it once and that surely wasn't enough to result in pregnancy.  No, she isn't pregnant.

            Don't worry, I won't look for her.  She is my heart, but it would hurt her so much to see me like this.  It would break her heart, and break mine in the process.  No, I will not look for her and if I find her on accident, I will not go to her.  She is lost to me now.

            I have lost my heart through my own foolishness.  I will be damned if I lose my soul as well.  I will not fail.  You _will turn, Obi-Wan, and I will keep my soul._

So what did you think?


	2. Shadows of Vader

Heart and Soul: Shadows of Vader

Nike

Disclaimer:  *_Waves hand at George's lawyers.*  I'm not the defendant your looking for._

Rating:  It is now PG-13 for reasons that should become obvious.

Author's Note:  Thanks for all the reviews; you guys convinced me to write a second chapter.  Sorry it took so long but I've been working on a rather dark multi-chapter fic, its sequel, and an odd comedy for Star Wars as well, not to mention the series I've got going in another fanfic realm…  I've also been having problems getting the Internet set up in my new place (as if you really wanted to know all that).

This is probably not medically correct but I rather like the way it sits now – that and rewriting it would take far too much time.  I hope you don't mind and enjoy it anyway.

Now the reason _why you're reading this…_

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            My breath catches in my throat.  Sensing your presence is not the same as actually _seeing you.  Despite nearing forty standard years, you remain a handsome man.  I have purposely put the shallows of the lava pit behind me, surrounding my dark form with an areole of fire.  While the crimson light puts my face in shadow, it lights yours up.  I can see every crease and worried line.  You walk up so you are within a few steps of me._

            "You don't have to do this, Anakin.  It doesn't have to be this way.  Come back with me," you beg.  I can't bear to look into your stormy sea-change eyes.

            "I can't.  I've stumbled across power greater than anything you could possibly understand and I would never leave it for my sake.  I don't fully understand it, though.  I need guidance.  You've always been there for me, Obi-Wan.  Guide me now."  I stretch my mechanical right arm out to you in offering.  You take a step forward then stop, shaking your head.

            "I can not follow you on the path you've chosen, Anakin."  It's like having my soul ripped out and anger surges in response.

            "You fool!  Don't you understand?  I'm laying incredible power and my undying devotion at your feet!"

            "I don't want the devotion of a slave of the Dark side, nor do I want the power that it grants.  All I want is for you to come back to me, Anakin, and for things to be the way they were."

            "But things can't be the way they were, no matter how we may wish it," I tell you, stepping forward and taking your left wrist in my hand, "Can't you accept that this is what I am now?"  You shake your head, looking down from my intense stare.

            "No."  My eyes narrow.

            "You never did understand."  You look up at me in surprise before yelping in pain as my right hand clenches around your wrist.  You've made it clear that you won't be turned, so death is now your lot.  

            I reach out with my left hand, planning to take a hold of your throat and strangle you.  The thought of seeing the life ebb from your eyes is strangely pleasing to me.  You're faster, though.  You stop my hand, then Force shove us apart.  Our lightsabers spring into life simultaneously as we face one another.

            "So is this what it comes down to, _Master?" I ask, spitting out the last word, "A duel 'til the death?  Which one of us will die first, I wonder?"_

            "It doesn't have to be this way.  Didn't you once say that you loved me?" you ask.

            "Love can turn into hate, Master," I truthfully reply.  

            It's all very confusing.  I love you and hate you all at the same time.  A part of me recoils at the thought of hurting you; the other half wants to see the ground soaked with your blood.  Why did you refuse to turn?  Don't I mean anything to you?

            Anger floods me, overwhelming and frightening in its intensity but, at the same time, comfortingly familiar.  I charge at you, thrusting.  You block, looking resigned.  Funny, isn't it?  We're both fighting yet neither one of us truly wished for it to end this way.

            You are strong, but my anger makes me even stronger.  You counter my every stroke but you are tiring and my earlier action has surely left your right wrist in pain.  I feel like I could go on forever.

            We pull apart.  You are focusing on me so intently you miss the items that I Force-throw at you.  You cut a pipe in half; the other catches you in the back of your knees, sending you sprawling.  I am disarming you even as you fall.  I quickly straddle you, sitting on your stomach, and pin your wrists above your head with my mechanical right arm.  You struggle beneath me as I reach for the knife I'm going to use to slit your throat.

            "No!" you cry out when you realize what I'm about to do.  Accompanying your shout is a surprisingly strong Force shove.  I drop the knife as I go flying.  I hit the ground hard and roll… right into the shallow end of the lava pool.

            Burning… that's all I can feel.  I jerk my head up to prevent any more of the bright liquid from reaching it and scream for all I'm worth.  My right hand reaches out…

            Someone grabs my right hand and drags me out, leaving me to lie on the floor.  Everything single thing my eyes see is clouded by pain, but I recognize your grim face.  You don't dare touch me.  Some detached part of my mind wonders what I look like to you, burnt beyond recognition, shrieking in pain…  At least, I'm trying to shriek.  

            Everything sounds odd, like hearing it through water, and I think my voice box has been damaged.  I'm also struggling for breath.  I think one of my lungs was severely damaged and collapsed and that the other one will soon follow if I don't get medical help immediately.

            Almost everything hurts.  The things that don't hurt are what really bother me.  Where there is no pain, I can't feel anything at all…

            You're saying something, but I'm not really hearing it.  Something about going for help, I think.  You won't make it back in time to save me if you do.  I think you know that.  

            I close my eyes, not wanting to see your grim look any more.  When I open them again, you're not there.  I panic.  How dare you leave me now!  You're supposed to be here for me when I die!  

            I've stopped yelling; my lungs won't support my life much longer, much less sustained screeching.  My ears just popped; I can hear everything around me, from the dripping of water to the soft bubbling of the molten rock.  Then I hear something else.  Someone's coming.  I foolishly hope… but, of course, it's not you.  _You left._

            People in white clothing surround me.  One of them puts a hypo spray against my arm and the pain is suddenly dulled down to tolerable levels.  Another person cuts open my throat and forces a tube down it.  They're pumping air into my lungs at this time.

            Now that there are people working to save me, I'm frightened.  Before I was wishing for death to ease my pain, but I've since realized that I don't want to die.

            They're taking me away now and I close my eyes.  When I open them again, I'm in a sterile white room surrounded by machines designed to keep me alive.  Everything is clean and bright.  The one jarring note is the figure in the black cloak sitting by my bed.

            "How do you feel?" he asks me.  I'm about to say 'horrible' but my throat hurts.  I settle for a smaller word.

            "Bad."

            "And what of Obi-Wan Kenobi."

            "He left," I manage to croak out in anger, "He left me."  I think Sidious just smiled but, when he speaks again, his voice is filled with understanding and sincerity.

            "I will not leave you for as long as I live.  Do you believe me, my young apprentice?" the Sith asks.

            "Yes, Master," is my hoarse reply.  I _do believe him.  As long as he lives, I will never die…_

            _Puffft.  Shhhh.  The iron lung works continuously, forcing air in and out.  My lungs were badly damaged by the lava; they no longer function on their own.  No, that's not true.  They __will work, but only in a specialized environment.  The healers took me into one such chamber and replaced what couldn't be saved with mechanical parts…  _

            I mind tricked one of the staff members into letting me see my charts.  Badly burnt… impossible to take off of the iron lung… yada yada.  Well, what do you know!  Apparently, I died on the way to the hospice.  How fitting, because I sure don't feel like Anakin Skywalker any more.  I don't know who I am now.  I'll have to ask my Master about a name although, for some reason, I like the term Vader…

            I've been drawing schematics.  They're useful things if you ever want to build something.  I've been working on mobile iron lung, one that I can carry on my person like a pack or something…  

            I think I've finally created something that will work.  It involves a full body suit and mask, but it will allow me full range of movement.  I showed to a healer, who called it a wonder and promised to have it built for me…

            The suit works beautifully.  I have to put up with the constant noise the respirator makes, but I'm becoming acclimatized to it.  Soon I will stand beside my new Master and the galaxy shall feel our combined power…

            Force save you, Obi-Wan, for I won't when we meet again.

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The End.  That's all unless my creative urge decides to do the duel from Obi-Wan's perspective, which seems very doubtful at this moment.  I hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as you seem to like the first.


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